consolidation and egotism

I have too many passwords. To the point where I go to check my email (all 5 of my emails), sign in to my school's Blackboard system, update one of my journals, or check my Myspace and it takes scrolling the complete Rolodex of personal history to think of what I was focused on during the period in my life when I last changed the password on said site. I need to consolidate.



I feel this is an adequate phrase that could be used for a lot of my "problems" in life. I need to consolidate my papers. My objectives. I need to consolidate my goals and the steps needed to get there. I'm too wishy-washy. I am constantly wanting to be "on the go" but find myself spending time laying in bed dreamy-eyed during my spare time, then rushing around trying to re-budget. Isn't this why I quit my job? Oh yeah. I quit my job. I stopped working at the cafe to give me more time to write, edit, work on my career as a writer, and specifically as a travel writer. Being in school has really gotten the ball rolling for me as far as instilling a deepened passion for writing that had started to wane over the past few years of not being in a literary circle. Now, even if I am not really on the same page as many of my peers as far as my objectives as a writer, what I want to write about and why, I am still in a community of people who understand the importance of the written word, and am mentored by people with a vast knowledge of various fields of writing to study.



This has also brought me to the decision to move into a house with classmates of mine. Soupie reminded me, when I was tossing the idea over in my head, that many of the great movements of thought throughout history were birthed from great minds sharing a house together, constantly bouncing ideas off one another, even if just in conversation, passively. The house is beautiful, with a front and back yard, basement, huge rooms, tons of storage, all the amenities, a porch swing (complete with front porch!) and a grill in the back, and a 2-car garage. I am excited. It is one step in the direction of "getting my ducks in a row" but I still feel like I am disorganized as ever, need to further consolidate, need to take care of business I consistently neglect.



Parking tickets. Traffic violation ticket. Parking permit. Paying bills. Fixing car. (Lets take a moment also to notice how many of these are car related. A car I didn't want. This must be what taking an unwanted pregnancy to full term is like, except for the rest of your life.). Budgeting time affectively to give myself proper time for writing, reflection, editing, and submitting work. Also, finding the best places to submit work. I am hoping the new house of writers will be able to help each other in that regard.



In order to help take care of some of these issues, I have started building bikes part time at Trek of PGH in Robinson. It sucks because I am still not getting paid very much but it is far away. It is cool because I get to work with GW and Blockhead and Amanda and other people I will not mention because I just met them. It is cool because at least I get riding time because it is 15 miles each way. It is cool because I get to use my chatham ID for free bus rides, which I had not been having a reason to take advantage of, thus far. It sucks because I am back at working at a bike shop, doing mechanically remedial work. It is cool because I was feeling financially vulnerable and Soupie made a phone call that put me in control of my financial situation again, even if I am not making much money it at least gives me the peace of mind that I am going to be O.K. It is cool that I can basically make my own hours. It sucks that I am again spending my time at a job that has nothing to do with that I have been studying for so many years. It is cool that I have a trade upon which I know I can always fall back.



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I went to North Carolina and Georgia last week and I don't feel like getting into it, but it was very fun and necessary. Next week is Soupie and my honeymoon in Boston. I plan on mainly picnicing on the beach in Hull, hanging out with h.s. friends, and spending a little time with the punx. Enough to remind me why I will always be punk and therefore never be totally successful, but not enough to make me think why I do this to myself and what I am wasting my life aspiring towards.



Aahh, I just wrote a long rant about punks and not feeling the need to impress anyone anymore, but why waste my time? If I was 15 and coming to that revelation, it would be something worthy of public journalling. But I am 25. It is not a revellation, but a mere sigh, a recognition of self. It is a reflection of where I am now in my life and in the world. Not incredibly far -- I still have a lot of debt, even though it's "good debt" and a lot of reorganizing and restructuring to do -- but at least I am not an asshole, and don't hold much respect for people who aren't good to other people.






I'm gonna go swimming in my school's pool and finish my homework before class. It may not be the punk thing to do. But it makes me happy. And that's one thing I have successfully organized in my life. That regardless of how detrimentally cool something seems, I am on top of my own totem pole, and I don't need to fuck myself over all the time to survive. I can float, and even make a few hapless strokes in the water, and not sink for the sake of the story.