an update of sorts. flight.

I am blogging from work. Maybe this winter while stuck behind a desk all day and bored with doing homework I will learn how to write a real blog. Anyway...yes I am at work and I have a desk. I am a lawfirm secretary for two women lawyers, in downtown Pittsburgh, on the 13th floor, above a coffee shop. No Diggity. I get paid to screw up phone messages and type up letters.




In slightly more personal news, I have an interview with Ms. Magazine's executive editor on Thursday. I know what you must be thinking, "Carolyne, that's wonderful, good luck, you'd be great there!" But no. I am interviewing her! It's for my publishing class, but while most others went for local publishing houses and college presses, I went right for the jugular, classic Carolyne style. I am supposed to interview her about the publishing world, but of course I am interested in the publishing world of feminism, her take on the other magazines and what she thinks of her own, why her audience is largely adult and middle class, what that says about modern feminism and what ought to be done about that. I want to talk to her about the anti-feminist feminist movement, where feminism has become all about using one's sex to hold power over men. So many things, and yet I've promised to use up only a half hour, max, of her time. I will record nothing and listen as hard as possible.





I don't know what else to say. I ride my bike a lot but not as much as I'd like. I go through moments of extreme energy and of extreme lethargia. Often at the wrong times.





My significant other brought up buying a house last night. Not in a, "we should buy a house together to solidify this relationship" sort of way, but in a, "this is what I am thinking of doing, what's your opinion?" matter. It was an incredibly odd sensation of NOT feeling stuck or cornered or manipulated, which is wonderful. However it did make me have to think a bit into the future, which is a big downfall of mine. I don't really know how to do it. I always tell jobs I will stick around for another year or so, but really nobody knows what is going to happen. I will likely be in Pittsburgh until next January when I graduate (that's the plan right now), but what then? Will I want to stay in Pittsburgh, will I want to leave? What kind of job will I even want? In what country? This is where my scatteredness is reminded to me. I can settle into a place because I feel comfortable with myself right now. I can surround myself with illusions of settlement: a relationship, a job, a nice house, the quest for dogs, an education, a striving writing career. But when it is brought into focus, when the idea of time is met with place, my brain falters, or else perhaps regains it's comfortable footing and says, "Carolyne, remember who you are. You've always been one of internal security, and external chaos."





It's fine right now. This life is great. I'm in love with someone I respect deeply, and who respects me. I have a job that doesn't make me feel like an idiot or an asshole. My house is beautiful, my roommates are wonderful, Pittsburgh is full of rolling hills to climb and descend. My brain is constantly expanding. But what then? What about when the one thing holding me in place ends? I cannot say where I'll want to be. But I don't think I have to.





Time to change back into my bike clothes and ride home.